IMG_2531I woke up on the couch and Edward immediately called to me and apologized for me having to sleep on the couch.  I didn’t care, I was perfectly comfortable and so tired that I slept like a log.  We had time for breakfast and then I’d be off to the airport.

We ate in the dining room which was very old south.  He had a newspaper, (which is usually one of my pet peeves… I don’t like when I’m having a meal with someone and they read the paper) but when he realized I had no interest in reading, he read me the sports page (It was Sunday so we have a love of football in common even if we love different teams).  It was cute.

And then it was time for me to go.  I definitely felt a weight lifted off of me once I was in the cab headed toward the airport.  I had a really good time with him, but discovered I don’t like the feeling of being “trapped.”  Even though I technically wasn’t, deep down, I felt like he had paid for the trip and everything else, I didn’t know anyone in the city, I couldn’t leave (not that I wanted to) and I was trapped.  I couldn’t even tell if I liked him because I had no choice but to like him for three days.

So, I sat with it.  I looked at all the pictures I’d taken, my souveneirs he’d photothoughtfully bought me, read my poem.  He was romantic, thoughtful, generous, and affectionate.

I thought about what he does.  Like Pretty Woman’s Edward, he is in finance.  He buys companies in distress and rebuilds them.  He is used to a fast pace and closing deals.  Much of his conversation (at least what sticks out in my mind) was about things we were going to do together in the future, trips we were going to take, a place he was going to buy in Florida.  I don’t know, he may have planned to buy a place in Florida before he met me, but the whole thing was too fast.  As I said before, it felt like insta-relationship, and that is not my speed.

My friend/his cousin, thinks I’m looking for something “wrong” but I’m not.  I’m looking for something right, and my gut is telling me this isn’t it.  And after re-reading my last two entries, I’d say it’s high time I listened to my gut.  The hard part is what to say to him.  He thinks he “closed the deal.”  I did have a good time, NOLA was amazing, but Shakira’s hips don’t lie and neither does my gut.  Something isn’t clicking for me.  How do I tell a good guy who just showered me with extravagance, who with all the kissing thinks we’re a couple, that he is completely wrong?  I don’t want to hurt his feelings and “I just don’t feel it in my gut” sounds so LA (Los Angeles…which I am).  This is the part of dating that makes me not want to date!!!!

It’s a good thing I committed 50 of these to you or I would give up now! HELP!!! Advice please!!! @50FirstDatesG

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  1. marisa says:

    Well….. I think you know the best real estate agent in south florida…. so could you play it up alittle so that he can buy a place…HAHAHHAHAHA
    you are so cool….call me ..lets get together soon! miss u

  2. Ray says:

    This is liable to ramble; hopefully something will make sense.

    No one is innocent.
    The first warning should have been the invite to an unfamiliar city to be with a man you’ve never met for three days. But you took the deal as offered without question. (You always need an escape route no matter what the situation; film set, date, wedding. Especially needed by a pretty woman.) I agree with your feelings about “we’re both adults” but you guys ARE 30, right? And Edward does big business deals, has a lot of whip out to throw around, so he’s used to things going his way. And quickly. You have your standards and rom-com playbook and obviously the two ideals didn’t completely mesh. Hence your gut.
    But you tried. Here’s a guy paying for all the first class he can find and you’re settling into it. Pretty Woman-esque?
    Look, you’re both tired of being alone. Texting, emailing, talking on the phone; it’s all fantasy. And a guy can go pretty far in his fantasies. Especially when it involves an intelligent, beautiful and dynamic woman. That’s why long distance romances are so much fun. Pure fantasy. Even when you’re with the person it’s still fantasy because the time is short so it’s all like a vacation. And remember, it’s a two way street, you both fantasized pre-NOLA. You tried, I’m sure if you were thunderstruck it would have become more than just kissing. That’s how it’s done in the movies, right? Have all the “rules” you want, all the “procedures” you plan to follow; no kissing before teeth brushing, not shaving till the 3rd date, Victoria’s Secret on #5, whatever; if it feels right you’ll lay down your shield. It didn’t feel right. Well played.
    Edward knew the ploy/weekend wouldn’t ultimately work, hence the snoring by the time you’d brushed your teeth on the second night.
    The yammering about all your future plans together may have been Edward’s continued fantasy, a ploy to drive you away and make it your decision, or only what you heard.

    Whatever transpired your Id didn’t allow your Ego to be duped, no matter how much it wanted to be. When it’s right it will hit you, no matter how cautious you may be. There was a woman I had know for years, we’d worked together on a film but lived 300 miles apart. We remained friends for years through different relationships and at one point we were both free and in contact. When she finally came to NY for a visit, having not seen each other for years, we couldn’t not be touching. Met her at the train station, went straight up to a pub to watch a Celtic (Scottish soccer team) match and introduced her to my friends. But we were always in contact; either holding hands, arm on the shoulder, elbows in contact or my hands resting on her shoulders when she sat at the bar and I stood behind her. It was magical. Best relationship of my life up to that point. A woman who was first and foremost a friend, confidant and equal before she was my lover. That was the gut talking.
    Hang in there, relax, let your guard down a little and tone down your fantasy. You both were hoping for something so you both kept trying to reach your own endgame.
    Feelings are always going to be hurt, part of being “adult.” Tell the truth, you had a great time, you were flattered but you just didn’t feel the magic.

    Or you could say you live too far apart and hope he doesn’t move to FLA!

    • jsitomer says:

      Thanks for putting so much time, thought and effort into your comment, Ray. I appreciate it and you made me feel better. You are right on so many counts, I guess I just wasn’t willing to admit some of those things to myself because as you said, the fantasy started before we met and we wanted it to work. I’ll keep trying 🙂

  3. The Geek says:

    Well …

    Ok, I’m a “Nice guy”. I have to say the arrangements had me frankly upset on post number one. Not because it wasn’t romantic – in many ways, it was, but the sheer hubris of it bothered me to no end.

    I thought it was insensitive and presumptive. Then again, as Ray said, quite often that attitude probably produces results for him.

    I would always be more concerned about HER feelings, and no matter how much you were getting along, he’s got to realize it’s a scary thing, and by not giving you SOME option toward living accommodations, I think it shows either a complete lack of regard, OR he’s ‘pulling something’.

    He handled it well, frankly, and confidence is attractive.

    There’s a saying in management; “it’s easier to get forgiveness than permission”. But, in a relationship, do you want to be putting up with that all the time?

    Then again, as I mentioned, I’m a nice guy, and that doesn’t always work either 🙂

    @Ray: Wow – I always like your comments. Maybe we should be wingmen sometime, LOL.

    == The Geek ==

  4. Jessica, you have some terrific wingmen. If Ray is still single I would say go for him next! He certainly is thoughtful and presented you with a great, male POV. The whole date was a bit “scary” for me (trying of course to remember my single days.) I think next time you would be better to play it closer to home. (And whatever happened to that nice soccer player?)

  5. Heidi Alexandra says:

    I agree with the comments posted already – it all felt very presumptuous and that is why your gut reacted the way it did. The thing that troubles me with the approach is that in my experience guys who operate in this manner as lovely and romantic as they may be also at some level expect to ‘own’ a woman like a possession and that is not a great fit for a beautiful, spirited woman like you. Don’t let it drag on too long – I have done that before too not wanting to hurt the guy – only winding up being in a relationship way too long trying to be ‘nice’ all the time building resentment and making me sick.

  6. AdventureBizBabe says:

    Holy Cow! A king sized bed? That is awfully presumptuous. To be honest, I was a bit mortified when I read that!

    I can only speak from the perspective of a woman, but at the very best, he is awfully presumptuous, and had an obvious expectation. I don’t know how you could relax at all with that hanging over your head. Some men may not know this, but most women have been put in a position where there was a possibility of being physically forced to do something they didn’t want to do – hence, we women have a “safety issue” thing, and a safe retreat is important to us. Not having that safe retreat, even if we don’t need it, is going to put us on edge and prevent us from relaxing. A woman is going to feel much more relaxed and romantic if she feels respected, and comfortable.

    But, I think this goes deeper than being presumptuous and insensitive. “Talking future” and wanting you to meet his daughter on a first date are major red flags! For him to assume that you have a future together before you have even met in person is pretty crazy, (I don’t care how many phone conversations occurred). Run!!! Seriously, this is pretty over-the-top, and to put it into perspective for the men out there, how would you feel about a woman doing the same thing? Every man that I know would run for the hills if a woman wanted to introduce him to family and started talking about their future on a first date. Something is very, very, very wrong here….and this is the perfect example of needing to “listen to your gut”. Oh, and if I haven’t made it clear already – RUN!

  7. Sue Painter says:

    In the end you do have to trust your gut. This guy sounds good in many ways but bad in one big way … he is presumptive. Great for business, not so great for relationships.

  8. Great comments already posted.

    Worrying about hurting his feelings and/or feeling like you had having no options was what kept your gut squashed in the first place.

    Be kind and honest. Think if there’s any possible “salvage route” in case he asks. If not, just be clear and firm.

    Your gut knows.



    Katherine C. H. E.
    Author, Be True Rich

  9. Bill Painter says:

    Okay the date is over and you are unsure. What was your expectation on this date?
    I think he was presumptive on the arrangements,but you were not clear on them either. I would say chalk it up to experience and move on. I think you would always be battling him since he seems to go ahead full steam ahead without checking with you. Certainly a good story.

  10. I think Ray and The Geek have said it all! I think you definitely have to listen to your gut and tell Edward the truth.

  11. You don’t need us to tell you what you know and feel in your gut – tell him nicely that there is no future for you and thank him for a lovely time and thank him for being kind and generous!

    And learn from this for the next one… 🙂

  12. Lisa Manyon says:

    ALWAYS trust your intuition ♥
    Lisa Manyon

  13. Mira Dessy says:

    Follow your instincts. But I also agree with Trudy. He was nice, he was kind, you can do the same when you let him know that you think this is not “it.”

  14. Mitch Tublin says:

    Definitely trust your gut. On the other hand you knew at some level not to make this trip from the start. Plus there were a number of times where you easily might
    have said, for ex. “Uh dude, I don’t even know you, I need my own room.”
    Other than the great advice already given, the other side of you might want to go to Paris. Maybe suggest one more trip just to be certain?

  15. I’d say it’s pretty simple Jessica… The truth will set you free.

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