A title with three seemingly random topics, yet, they are all intricately intertwined, and all add to the only part of dating that I consider humiliating–
Online dating.
I HATE IT!!! In fact, every person I speak to who does it, says, “I’ve had it with these losers, tomorrow I am taking my profile down.” And every person I know who hasn’t done it in a while says, “Might try Match 1 LAST time!!!!!!” (and that was a direct quote from a text, though I won’t reveal my source). And everyone who marries someone they met online says, “I swear, my membership was about to end and I wasn’t going to renew, and on the last day she reached out to me.”
Being the romantic that I am, I always get suckered in by the later. Perhaps I should join a membership site for three months and not go on until the 90th day.
There is an eerie feeling that I get when I’m online dating, that wherever I go men are looking at me differently, kinda like, “Hey… isn’t that the girl from Match.com? It’s a weird look, a mix of “I know personal stuff about you,” and “Bitch! Why didn’t you write me back?”
On Wednesday, my paranoia was confirmed. I went out line dancing with some friends and a 60+ year-old-man was giving me the weird look. I turned in the other direction but he walked up to me and said, “I’m Tony,” and shook my hand with strong conviction. I told him my name. He started making small talk, then said goodbye to my relief.
Ten minutes later he came back. “Jessica!” he said.
“That’s my name,” I replied.
“I bet you don’t remember mine,” he challenged. I told him I wouldn’t take that bet. “Come on, there’s a breakfast cereal character named after me.”
“Ah, Tony.” I obliged him.
“You’re good at guessing.”
“I’m grrrrrrrrrreat!” I said, using full Tony the Tiger arm gesture in the hopes he would think I was a goofball and go away.
“I recognize you from Plenty of Fish,” he smiled mischievously giving me that eery feeling.
At this point, I’d had enough. “You’re on POF? Good luck with that.” I said, and turned back to my friends.
It’s bad enough when people you don’t know recognize you. But one of the main reasons I have avoided Match this time around, is because I’ve finally been in town long enough, that while looking though the profiles (they let you take a sneak peek without joining) I spotted at least 20 local guys I know, none of whom I’d date, and all of whom I fear would write to me if they saw me on there.
And what made the whole online dating even more disconcerting was while reading some of their profiles I uncovered lie after lie after lie. But, how do you really judge an online profile. What’s worse, flat out lying like the one guy who claims to be a “social drinker” and is actually a fall down drunk raging alcoholic, and physically violent toward women when he is. I’ve suffered a few black and blues just being around him when he’s drunk, OR misrepresentation by omission?
Take me for example. I can’t tell you how many guys have read my profile and told me I seem like the perfect woman. And I suppose I am… if the only criteria was what I offered in my profile. But what if the guy likes a woman who does typical “women stuff?” Then I am faaaaaaaaar from perfect.
Take for example exhibit A: My mom taught me to do laundry before I went to college, so I’ve been doing it for a long time. And yet, just four days ago, I washed my favorite pair of white knock-around baggy pants, that hung perfectly on my hips, revealing the ab lines
Exhibit A
I’ve worked for since I was 18… and now they’re pink.. PINK! So here it is– I can’t do laundry! I can’t cook! I can’t sew! I kill everything I plant, even Pothos plants which can apparently live on bong water and cigarette butts! I don’t like decorating! I don’t like shopping! And I’m a raging workaholic (though I am really working on the last one, the others.. not a shot).
Are me and my pink pants equally as bad as the guy who puts up a profile pic from 1989? Or the guy who claims to be 48 when he’s really 57? Or the guy who says he’s 6′ when he’s 5’3… did he think I wouldn’t notice? I mean fudge an inch, but 9 inches? Dude, I said I was 5’4″ in my profile, in flats I’d be looking down at you. That’s a noticeable height lie, and I specifically said that height was not a deal breaker, so if you’d told the truth, I wouldn’t have cared. But having a pathological liar for an ex, (which I left out of my profile) has left me wary of someone who leads with a lie.
Which leads me back to my online profile dilemma. This is my third time online dating and the first two times did not go well, so I need your advice. Am I technically lying by omission if I’m only sharing my very best, most celebrated qualities? Do I need to add a little frame of reference for the full spectrum that I bring to the table? Give it to me straight loyal readers, as I wait to discover who will be date #7…
This date was actually the opposite of the movie because we went on the date at the bookstore first and, because we like each other, now have to continue our relationship via the internet. I met Joe Fox on the first night of my 2-month business trip to LA. On our date he pointed out how romantic it is that I met him on my first night here and we went out on my last night… I love that I met someone who is as busy as me! Wait… is that bad that I’m actually relieved that he was so busy that dating didn’t interfere with my work?
There was a particular book he had mentioned earlier as we rode up the escalator, The Lean Startup, and it was displayed prominently. That led to a bit of a competition to see who could point out more books we’d read. I was at a slight disadvantage, as most of my reading these days is Chick Lit because I do my business reading on blogs. I pretty much only had Tim Ferris’ 4-Hour Work Week, and when Joe pulled Rich Dad/Poor Dad off the shelf, I was happy to have found a second. Our section was a tenth of what it once was, shoved in a back corner. Probably because all the business people are too busy to go to bookstores and download books to their Kindle.
Squeezed in to the other corner was his other favorite section… the computer education books. This was when I really started learning about him. He got his first computer when he was 6 and was building computers when he was 10. I love hearing stories that reveal someone was basically destined to be in their career because of their passions as a child. He was pulling out books on programming and talking a language I didn’t understand (and it wasn’t Portuguese), when a book grabbed my attention. I pointed it out, “iPhone Sex?” 
That grabbed his attention too. Actually it was just my mind playing tricks on me and it actually read “iPhone SDK” which he explained, but I’ve already forgotten what it meant. And with that he realized it was time to leave the textbook section.
obsess until they are done (I joked about how I wouldn’t sleep until it was done… but I wasn’t actually joking because I’m pretty scary when I obsess over the completion of a puzzle, so needless to say I gulped when I saw him pull out a 3000 piece puzzle, and he announced that wasn’t enough, and tried to find a 5000 piece). At this point we’d been on the date for about 45 minutes when we came upon “The 
Complete Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook… Dating & Sex.” I pulled it off the shelf, handed it to him, and suggested he check if there was a section for a date in a bookstore. He laughed, as he put the book back on the shelf, saying that he was having a lot of fun and it was certainly a date he’d never forget.
“I’d stand in front of your house with a boom box, but I don’t know where you live. I know where you’ll be on Saturday so maybe I’ll show up with it there,” said Bohdi. “In that case, I’d better carry a pen with me,” I replied. It’s too late for a grand gesture.
One of my favorite scenes from How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days is when Matthew McConaughey takes Kate Hudson to a basketball game and she has him running back and forth for concessions, causing him to miss most of the game. He of course, is compelled to keep her happy due to a bet.
But then the Miami Heat Dance team came out and when they did, they brought “the heat”… literally! They had cannons shooting fire and being in the 12th row, my eyebrows almost singed. It was freakin’ AWESOME! They 
have their own DJ, and while the seats were far from full, the crowd was ready to party!
have to say, if there had been a pole, they would have been strippers, a far cry from the tie-dyed band that came out during a time out and danced with tubas- mad respect for tuba totin’ dancers!
girlfriend sitting in the second row in front of us trying to avoid cameras in a baseball cap. I was so busy trying to get a picture to share with you, I missed most of the 2nd half. The irony was, when he got up to leave and I actually could get a shot of him, Tom turned out to be Christian Slater, which while disappointing to Bohdi, was still quite exciting to this Heathers fan.
canals and when we finally turned the corner to find the private beach, it was exactly what I had hoped for, white sand, tiny shells where the water washed in and out, and a covering of twisted trees so we didn’t have to be subjected to the hot sun pounding down on us all day. There was even a rope tied to a branch for swinging on.
some “displaced” person’s home, as we found a fire pit with a large pot, a large 4’x4′ 4″ deep crate that could double as a bed, and just into the woods, a wardrobe of tattered clothes hanging from branches.
yacht that went by. The great thing about boaters is, no matter if they are on a 10 million dollar yacht or a 10 dollar blow up dingy, everybody waves. People on boats are very friendly and I think we can all learn something from them. I pondered a theory that if everyone lived on boats there would be no war, but then Bohdi educated me on pirates… actual pirates who steal yachts and… well, I’ll stop there, this is a romantic date, but let’s just say I won’t be yachting near Somalia anytime.. ever.
